Transplant guilt and Motherhood guilt

The only way to describe this is survivors guilt! It’s been something I’ve been dealing with personally for a while. I feel like I should be climbing up mountains, going on crazy adventures, making the most of every day, writing my book, creating my Christmas crafts, creating amazing memories for Phoebe, creating meals that just look amazing and taste immense all while being glamorously elegant and serine!

Unfortunately one out of eight isn’t a great ratio (oh dear!) I’m working on the others. Well the mountains might have to be a long term project and I’ll have to work on that but maybe taking part in the Winter Transplant Games maybe the way to climb up a mountaint lol. I’m hoping to get a bit fitter and take part in the British Transplant Game (I know I’ve said it before but I will really try this time!)

I’m hoping to start going on adventures again. We have to done a few mini adventures but I desperately want to get out of Dorset and go on a mini holiday/staycation in treehouse and go to events again! I‘ve tried so hard to create memories for Phoebe while shielding and in lockdowns! I’m thankful she’s in nursery now getting great enrichment and making friends which is so important! I felt so bad about keeping her at home while I was shielding!

We’ve done a lot of exploring in Dorset but I want to go and find new hidden gems to discover!

We done walks in the countryside and sat by lakes and we found a small waterfall. I love waterfalls, they are one of my favourite types of places to explore!

We’ve been to the local beaches and explored new ones and old favourites! We’ve enjoyed being more unplugged a bit! I love taking photos and finding new places which gives me some new photo opportunities!

I‘m booking lots of activities for Phoebe to go to before she goes to nursery in September. I booked to go to a sunflower farm and I hope to get some beautiful photo, I’ve also planning on going back to a pumpkin farm and visit some animals farms and do more fun family visits!

So flash forward to September and October I managed to go to the sunflower farm twice and go to a pumpkin patch!

The pumpkin patch was quite empty by our half term visit, I wanted to go sooner but I got ill (another opportunity for me to feel bad about my health letting my daughter down!)

we did go to the pumpkin patch in the end! I loved the pics we got a definitely are some of favourite recent pics!

After this, I had to make the hard decision to cancel Phoebe’s birthday party due the uncertainty of Covid and protecting my health.

It was very hard and I was devastated about it but In the end we took Phoebe Ice skating and she loved ice skating! I had been making stockings for gift bags for the party but now I will postpone to maybe the summer and do an out door party maybe at the new house (when we buy-hopefully going on the market this week I think) if we can!

I then also made a bit of a blunder with the Santa visit and anyway long story short we managed to get a cancellaction with Santa (I felt so awful, I was in tears because I thought Phoebe might not be able to see Santa!) Luckily we managed to and then I was crying again because it felt so magical and I swear he was the real thing! He was so softly spoken, I told him all about how well Phoebe had done in her Nativity and that her elves have a bit mischievous! He genuinely seems so interested!

I‘m hoping that I’ve created a magical Christmas and birthday and when she’s older I hope she looks back and she can see how much we have done!

I wrote a book and illustrated it for Phoebe and I’ve handmade her Christmas Eve box! I need to give my self a break really and I need to remember that!